


12:02  AM.

by Ivys_archive



Category: 19 Days, 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, I relate to Jian Yi and this is just a vent fic sorry, Internalized Homophobia, Jian Yi uses alcohol to cope, M/M, Sad ending? Haven’t decided yet, Self Harm, Set after Jian Yi gets kidnapped, descriptions of self harm, mention of suicide, please read the tags carefully, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 13:09:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21162176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ivys_archive/pseuds/Ivys_archive
Summary: “..d..do you..really hate me? “Jian Yi’s voice is strained, and slightly slurred, as if he were drunk.Zhan zheng Xi pressed the phone to his face harder, his eyes widening in surprise as his breath got caught in his throat.“ what..? “ he shakily asked.“..do you really..hate me that much? “





	12:02  AM.

**Author's Note:**

> Again please read the tags. This was just a vent fic I made when I was really sad, I dunno if this will be a single chapter or have multiple chapters, it’ll probably be a short fic. 
> 
> But again please read the tags carefully before continuing to read on!! I don’t want to trigger anybody so please read the tags!

It’s like an itch. It’s a feeling that’s been hanging over his shoulders for a while now and he can’t quite describe it. It makes his chest tighten, it makes his hands tremble and it makes his panic attacks grow worse when he’s alone. 

His mind flashes back to that awful night, just over three years ago. 

He vividly remembers the rain, the cold air, the ache in his chest and the sting in his face. The terrible, awful, disgusting feeling of his lips. He tells himself it’s disgusting, he tells himself he hates it. That couldn’t be further from the truth. He only longs for those lips again. For the same arms to wrap around his body again, to hold him, to obtain the warmth that comes off his body, to breathe his sweet, almost smoky scent. 

And it makes him sick. 

Jian Yi knows he will never feel those things again. Those warm hands are cold, rough, and push him away violently. Those lips curl upwards, those eyes stare hard, cold, a look of resent always lies upon his face. 

And it hurts. It hurts knowing nothing will ever be the same, it makes his chest tighten and keeps him up at night, the flashes of the rain, his hands, his lips, repeating through his mind over and over. 

When Jian Yi sees him, it’s all he thinks about. He tries to make Zhan Zheng Xi smile, laugh, but he only ends up pushing him away.

———————————————————

The itch is worse. His stomach often feels as if it’s fluttering. His head feels as if it’s spinning, and his skin feels hot. Nothing feels right. He tian and Mo have noticed the way Jian Yi acts. They’ve noticed how he stares into space, seemingly lost in thought, they’ve noticed how pale he is, how he seems skinnier. They’ve noticed how the amount of bottles seems to always increase when they visit Jian Yi’s apartment. And they’ve expressed their concerns, but Jian Yi always laughs them off. 

Jian Yi doesn’t need to worry about himself. He’s selfish. He’s a horrible person, and he needs to think of Zhan Xi. 

Zhan Xi is all he thinks about. 

That night they kissed is all he thinks about. 

————————————

Zhan Zheng Xi has been feeling a weird itch. A sense of dread has been following him, and he hasn’t been able to sleep lately. 

He can’t think of why he feels so...guilty. His mind often wanders to Jian Yi, and that night. He remembers the feeling of hitting his face, the sheer pain and horror he felt at seeing the tears run down Jian Yi’s cheeks. He remembers feeling like shit, for months afterwards. 

It’s 10:46 Pm, and Zhan Xi is lay in bed. He’s awake, staring at the ceiling as he feels his chest grow tight, the dread beginning to creep up through his stomach again. He sighs, and runs his fingers long his temple, jerking in surprise at the sudden sound of his phone. 

Sitting up, he looks at the screen and sees Jian Yi’s name sprawled across the screen. He’s calling him. 

Zhan Xi hesitates, and picks up his phone, eyes staring at the numbers and keys on the screen as it vibrates in his hand. 

————————————

Jian Yi holds the phone against his ear, hopeful and desperate to hear Zhan Xi’s voice.  
The wind is harsh against his face, the air cold, and the sound of water thrashing against rocks echoes through his ears. 

His mind is a little hazy, cheeks a soft red from the alcohol he drank earlier. The light buzz has gone, and he feels a cold emptiness now. His body shakes gently, and he can’t really feel anything other than the tears that are beginning to sting his eyes. Leaning on the metal railing, Jian Yi sighs, and looks out at the stars. The silence only makes him feel more lonely. 

As Zhan Xi never answered the phone.


End file.
